How Suddenly We Become a Habit For Each Other

I run out of words. The real ones, important ones by which I could try to expalin myself to my very self. It was all much easier before, but in all that before, you didn’t exist. After the first “serious” breakup, I heard exactly that word- habit. The one I couldn’t live without told me that I became her habit. At first, I found it ridiculous. But a man’s gotta do what man’s gotta do. The moment it passed itlooked as if it didnćt exist at all. And then again, I couldnćt describe it as a habit, but as a process of growing up. I waited for you as a better version of myself. Far better one than I could even image it exists. I felt proud on myself, maybe for the first time. Proud, because I was giving myself completely to someone like you. We started becoming a habit somewhere before the end of everything, when even seeing each other stopped being important. When it was completely irrelevant what the other one needs because it won’t get it anyway. After all that was irrelevant, relevant didn’t even have time to be important. “Just be here” was subconsciously present among us. And “be here” part could mean that we weren’t physically present for days. To those you take the love away. And “all of a sudden”, all the numerous mistakes swayed out of the surface. And all of a sudden, everything started to look as if it’s easy to be solved. Because what was minor and insignificant yesterday, today started to look as if it’s too much. If I have a habit to call you, why would you be calling me now? If you have a habit that I’m the one coming to you, why would you go anywhere? A routine. Word, which meaning you don’t even try to get until you face it on your own skin.

You choose habit when it’s the last meal left on the menu. Right before the one – nothing. We will all go for anything just to avoid that nothing. And if you ask me, that is the biggest bullshit of it all. I don’t want you here because you have nowhere else to go, but because you want to be here.

It’s good when a person is hungry and when it needs every little bit of something. Somehow we stopped being hungry and started being fed up. When we found out that that you can have more and get more that what we have and what we could, but not as us. Do you get me? And that is completely great! For both, you and me. Just keep one thing in mind. Me and You sounds better, but You and Me sounds more honest. And I put You before Me because I love you. It’s just a step, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. Or that other someone who will take my place, and which love will be bigger than a person itself. But the end both brought and thought us that. That love itself is just not enough… 

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