Let me just come back for a little...

It feels weird when I cry, honestly. I don't know if it's happiness or sadness anymore. It's kind of, I don't know, in between? I don't mind how bad it is, more how sad it is, that there's some beauty that's not us. So, I hug a stuffed snail. A snail! Which remains as proof that the beauty of love is slightly different from "normal." When the toy is damp with tears, I replace it with a stuffed monkey. I laugh, and halfway through laughing, I wipe away the tears. I don't have a teddy bear of my own size. He would mean something to me if I could beat him right now. I love us. We weren't clichés, which is what the gestures of attention were saying. I would like to go mad for a second, so this animal could speak. To tell me I'm not alone. Like a preschooler begging a pet not to talk, promising not to tell anyone. I keep secrets perfectly. Which I buried so deeply, that the paths to them are filled with emptiness. Can the void be filled? I fall asleep. Then I curse myself. I'm doing something for him that I would never do for myself. I can't do this! So I slide down the wall. I have to! He says something about me, something that makes sense. I'm a far stronger person than the one you left. I'm far stronger than I thought I was. I open my eyes, thinking of someone who's no longer here. Which by no miracle will ever be here. I turn to the other side of the bed and I see a t-shirt. The t-shirt I'm saving for the same one that won't come. Am I crazy? Or is that one percent, when you love, stronger than the other 99? I close my eyes. At least there's something I don't have to explain. I can't touch or imagine realistically enough, but I believe it. That I, somewhere, sometimes, again, could be happy. Is that too much to ask of life? Again, who's to blame when I've wanted so much to understand someone who's told me so many times that he's unhappy. And yet he said I was his first association of happiness. Now it's nothing, when it's my association of life. Screw you, life! I promise you! Just give me long enough life so I can keep my promise. Before I really go, let me just come back for a little...

Author of text: