The last one

I realised what difference between last and the last one means. It happened that morning when we were lying down together for the last time. You said that after that, us as us won’t exist anymore. Unfortunately, you were probably right. Ever since then, the word “the last one” is coming back into my mind, only because I believed that after that, it has to be at least one more. It always was, why wouldn’t it be now? And each and every one of those either broth us closer than before, or created an inevitable distance between us. I would settle for less at the end, only to have something good out of it at least. With you, as it always was. I wouldn’t call you. I wouldn’t even tell you all the things you already know. But I would have you, “only” one time, because on that very last morning, I didn’t really know it was that, the last one. I found out a bit later, so I wonder, would we or could we be any better? On that very day, on any other day before? Just so we could know that it’s the end for real. A temporarily one or not, I wouldn’t know, but what I do know, is that we could try more, try harder, at least in the moment.

Give me everything so I could see that it’s not it. That is exactly why sudden endings are hard and problematic. Because you just have it all planned, because you think you can do so much more, so it looks that you stopped, all of a sudden, in the middle of nowhere. Exactly in the middle of nowhere, from where all the roads don’t seem right but wrong. All the roads lead to some other roads, the ones that is not us.  Give me back those 5AM lasting nights so I can figure out that we actually have nothing to talk about anymore. And give me back days, so I can realize that we have nowhere to go. Talk to me about the ideas, so I can see that they don’t match anymore.

I strongly admire people who can stick to their own words, but I am one of those who talk too much. Therefore, my heart tells me if my thoughts are wrong or right. But that is irrelevant now. To go and enjoy, so fuck it all. Let’s hold it all until tomorrow, just come to me. You know that your head’s gonna hurt, but that will come later. Now you are enjoying, and it’s better than everything that was before. You know that I’m lying to you. And I don’t know if you’re lying to yourself also. I would tell you to choose, it’s all up to you. It’s really all up to you, so that I won’t be talking this much anymore…

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